The Average American Male

We American men are clumsy creatures, right?  We are awkward and ineloquent.  We hastily fumble around with our chests thrust out, our unkempt beards somersaulting off of our jaws, and our tee shirts stained with mustard splatters. We try desperately to divert attention away from our physical shortcomings by being rowdy, jovial, and boisterous, but all to no avail. 

We try to be graceful - to move about with eloquence and have meaningful conversations.  We try to connect with our friends, both men and women, on an emotional level.  We try to be tidy.  Hell, we’ve even tried being more physically affectionate. 

Case in point – the “man hug.” This is a patently American practice where two fellows converge hands forcefully at chest level, and then pull each other towards the united hands to collide chests. This is followed by a brief, one-armed embrace with the free limb, and then a hasty parting of ways as the men rumble clumsily in opposite directions lest anyone think their affection too generous. 

Do not misunderstand me.  I do not think myself better than American men now that I’ve been out of the country for a week.  I am still very much a runner in the American Manathon.  I walk clumsily.  I am often unkempt. I have the emotional capacity of sand, and I wince at male-male physical interaction.  And that is why Emirate men fascinate me.

The Emirate male is a peculiar creature.  For starters, he is dressed, from the neck down, in a silky white robe, the hem of which falls just above his sandals.  The kandora, as this garment is called, is somehow both silky and velvety simultaneously.  It hangs loosely, but very attractively, down to the tops of his sandals and is in no way frumpy or baggy.  Imagine if Ralph Lauren got to redesign the wardrobe for the KKK, and you’re getting close. 

The Emirate man’s beard is the most pristinely trimmed facial hair you will see on the earth.  With its sharp curves and thick black appearance, it’s something akin to a facial-hair version of Busch Gardens.  To be quite honest, the beard envy I’ve experienced in the last week is enough to bring me to tears every time I see my scraggly growth gawking back at me from my bathroom mirror. 

All of these physical features, when put together, create a striking effect.  The Emirate man walks slowly and evenly.  He almost glides above the floor, and because of his brilliantly white kandora, he often looks ethereal, ghostly.  His chin stays high and he wears his pride outwardly but subtly, stopping just shy of arrogance.  

The men in Abu Dhabi approach physical interaction in a strikingly different way, too.  While male-male physical interaction makes western men squeamish, it is openly displayed here.  The man hug, it should go without saying, is not a common practice here.  Emirate men will touch noses while shaking hands.  They will walk arm in arm as they stroll about.  In fact, it is not entirely uncommon to see men, if they are old friends, holding hands.  And while it’s difficult for us as westerners, with our tendency to sexualize everything, not to assume there is a homoerotic quality to these acts, there is not.  These men are just comfortable with physical affection. 

To state it simply, the Venn diagram used to compare Emirate men and American men only needs enough room in the overlapping portion to write “penis.”  Apart from that, we share little in common.  Theirs is a stoic, quiet confidence.  Ours is loud and attention grabbing.  They are laconic and don’t engage in small talk.  We hate silence and prefer to discuss sports we know nothing about or weather to avoid it.  They are solemn, and in all of my time here, I have not seen a single Emirate man laugh out loud.  We laugh out loud so often that we have dedicated an acronym to the beloved practice.

In some ways, I admire these men, and yet I have no intentions of assuming their practices myself.   That being said - I fully expect to be pelted with an onslaught of gay jokes from my buddies after they read this blog.  Now you can finally hold hands with other dudes, Showalter.  I simply find it awe inspiring how different our two male cultures are, and while it’s hard not to try and tag one culture or the other with words like “better” or “worse,” I think for now I’ll just stick with “different.”

I can't believe it, but my blog has been read over 2000 times in the last week.  Thank you all for enjoying my adventure with me.